


An Ophan who can’t bake, a Cherub who rambles, A Seraph who mains mercy and a grumpy cat.

by Howdafloof



Category: Digimon - All Media Types
Genre: Angels on crack, Cherubimon is a huggable boi, funfact:angels only play support and tank in Overwatch, ophanimon just wants to make people happy, originally off FF this fic is about 3 years old., raguelmon is a mega level grumpy cat, seraphimon is trying, sometimes, they don’t like violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 14:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21163118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howdafloof/pseuds/Howdafloof
Summary: “OH Raguelmon!-your intrusion can only mean you have come looking for love!-I predicted this yesterday when i saw a piece of cake that seemed to spell your name in the language of love-““For fucks sake Venusmon-I screwed up and i need you and your jiggly twins of love to put love back into Ophanimon’s heart before she begins fake making cookies for the demon lords!“Raguelmon senses darkness in one of the three great Angels, immediately he begins to watch over them like the angry cat he is.The angels struggle with the constant observation until it is revealled who carries the true darkness. Things awry and it’s up to the orange ball of edge, venusmon and her jiggly twins of love to put the love back in Ophanimons heart.Gods oven may not have a timer but the safety of these angels do.





	An Ophan who can’t bake, a Cherub who rambles, A Seraph who mains mercy and a grumpy cat.

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is off my Fanfiction account, been meaning to transfer it over but effort.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.
> 
> Oh, I don’t own digimon or anything to do with Good Charlotte or thier song ‘the river’

The city of angels, as well as being lyrics in ‘The river’-yes, that old emo grungy song you liked when you were 14, is also a place in the digital world.

As the name suggest it is a city full of angel digimon, with the three leaders being the ‘3 celestial digimon’

Together they interpret gods will and spread it to the city to achieve.

Of course, such a position requires a lot of trust, and in order to make sure the angels were carrying out his will and not falsifying his word, Yggdrasil creased Raguelmon.

Raguelmon knew all the lyrics to ‘the river’ and often hummed them to himself while he carried out his daily job of looking edgy at angel digimon.

That just about sums up the fluff ball in terms of character.

As for appearance just type it into a damn search engine, I’m not down for describing all the edgeRaguelmon has.

Anyway, Raguelmon’s job used to extend to the whole of the city, however recently there have been allegations against Ophanimon. Though the allegations merely boil down to ‘being suspicious and shifty’ Raguelmon trusted his edgy instincts. one day he simply glided straight into the throne room where the 3 angels sat on their thrones and declared he would be keeping an eye of them for a while.

Being created by god meant you could get away with barging in on three holy beings while they were in thier most unholy state.

Yes.

They were arguing over who got to play Mercy in Overwatch.

“I should do it! I’m an angel, its literally me with boobs!”

“We’re ALL angels Seraphimon, and I’m the angel WITH boobs therefore it should be me-you can go Reaper”

“Are you trying to imply something!?” The Seraph digimon snapped, fully turning to look at the Ophan digimon.

“Yes-we have no damage-just healers and tanks, as is usual trying to play on a server with Angel digimon.”

The two massive wooden doors, enshrined with the most holy inscriptions suddenly swung open in a most unholy manner-the 3 angels, not wanting to be found in such a state over a mere video game immediately panicked.

Cherubimon, who secretly liked to lie upside down on his throne, tried to spin himself around and ended up falling off, crashing ungracefully to the floor.

Ophanimon who had her legs over the arm rest of her throne managed to right herself but knocked off her plate of famous ‘Angel cookies’ that had also presided on the arm rest, sending cookies everywhere and smashing the plate’

Seraphimon, not wanting the watcher of angel digimon to know he was a console pleb, quickly yanked the box off its holy stand (several large tombs relating to Jesusmon) and hurled it through a stained glass window, unknowingly One-Shotting a D’arcmon. He then sent his signature seven orbs of holy energy into the massive plasma tv that was too slow to retract into the ceiling, a resounding explosion echoing throughout the throne room.

Raguelmon floated in, too edgy to walk and looked upon the scene.

Cherubimon was laying against the side of his chair, running his massive finger over the arm rest muttering fake inscriptions, while his other hand slowly groped blindly for a cookie that had landed near him.

Ophanimon appeared to be praying, but the stifled sobs and glances and the cookies revealed she might actually be mourning the sugary treats.

Seraphimon had his legs crossed, arms placed over the top knee and back painfully straight.

A massive half retracted Plasma screen was hanging limply off its frame, seven smouldering holes in a distinct pattern present in it as sparks dropped to the floor.

The term ‘trying too hard’ was rather applicable in this situation.

The mega continued to glance around the room for several more seconds, none of the celestial digimon taking any notice of him.

Finally he cleared his throat, all 3 heads snapping towards him and Seraphimon standing.

“_Ah_ Raguelmon, how go your holy duties in our sacred ci-“

“You’re all under watch”

“**FUCK**-I mean...wonderful-another pair of eyes from the lord himself are _always_ welcome...” Seraphimon grated out, the lack of facial expressions giving him little help in hiding his feelings on the matter.

As the edgy cat left the room the sounds of shouting quickly became present, Raguelmon rolled his eyes at the Mega digimons antics and went to Slay Lucemon again.

Despite being reborn with a clean slate every time, the rookie would always corrupt over the simplest shit.

Since when was running out of fabric softener a reason to kill the holy choir?

Several weeks passed, everyone was on edge.

Mostly due to 3 celestial angels looking like they could have a mental breakdown at any moment, realising it would get them killed and sucking it in for another hour then repeating the same process.

Seraphimon’s holy sermons were filled with nervous twitches and he kept snapping the massive tombs he read from in half. The blatant display of power and psychotic symptoms kept the first several rows empty.

Ophanimons tea sessions and bake sales were off.

Most likely due to the fact her facial expression kept changing from her usual peaceful and serene smile, to utterly hysterically happy, then to utter sadness, then Serene again. Usually packed with long orderly queues forming to get to the delicious goods, the massive church that held the social gatherings were empty.

A single brave Cupimon had ventured in, shaking all through the long corridor to the personification of gods love. As she caught sight of her twitchy customer, Ophanimon smiled kindly, raising both arms in a welcoming gesture.

Unfortunately she forgot about the Symblic sword she had been cleaning behind the pile of cakes in her boredom prior.

Cupimon let out a terrified scream before promptly loosing bowel control and fainting.

“HOLY SHIT” The Ophan digimon cried out, dropping the sword through the head of a miniature marzipan Seraphimon.

“A-Amen” the in training subconsciously muttered.

Cherubimon often gave long lectures at the university in the city.

During these he would impart his knowledge to the students, helping to guide them through life.

Like a standard day at Ophanimon’s bake sales, the Lecture theatre would be packed, digimon crammed into seats, in aisles, looking through the massive domed sky light in order to gain a glimpse of the huge digimons wise words.

He was the least affected or the most, depending on if you listened to his lectures.

“...and that is why you must not use the N word when talking to a Blackwargreymon-Now in relation to the word ‘Pussy’ when talking to a Gatomon...”

The near empty room continued to listen in a mix of terror and awe to the holy rabbit’s ramblings.

Smiling happily as he turned over a page in his notes, a sudden sneeze snuck up on the vaccine.

His hands still pressed against the lecture, the sneeze had him accidentally shoving it over, as if in rage.

Within 5 seconds every digimon had bolted from the room, either through the doors, the windows and someone went straight through the wall.

Blinking away the remnants of the sneeze, Cherubimon looked around the now dusty air.

“Goodness everyone is rowdy today...”

“I cant take much more of this-I haven’t had a decent bake sale in a week-my holy powers depend on the joy they bring!”

“If thats true you have the shittiest power mechanic among all angel digimon-“

“Now Seraphimon, we must all do our part to ensure we keep the peace during these trying times-“

“You mean like give rambling lectures with nothing to do with being holy? Honestly what the hell does being in the top 500 in Overwatch have to do with being a good digimon?”

“Ahem”

The three Megas froze at the sound of a fourth clearing their throat.

Quickly straightening, Seraphimon added a little holy power to his wings, ensuring they gave a gentle glow as he walked towards the mega who had floated into the thrown room silently.

“_Raguelmon_, how is everything-I hope our behaviour has been satisfactory-“

“Spare me the lecture, you're all shit but only one of you is the shittiest...” the bitchy cat started, eyeing all three of them as they began to sweat.

With more dramatic flare then any anime character in recent history, Raguelmon swung his claw out to the female member of the trio.

“**Ophanimon**!”

The other two gasped and stepped back as said lady slammed her hands to her mouth.

“_M-me_?!” She cried out.

“Yes you-I overheard that you had been acting strange in the local ‘Angelburys’ food centre, this rumour has spread across the city-I DEMAND you explain what you have done to create such gossip!”

The angel slid her hands from her mouth over the front of her helmet.

“Ooohhh....DAMMIT!” She suddenly snarled, slamming her heeled foot on the ground, causing the other two to withdraw further.

“Dammit dammit dammit!-If the damn internet delivery hadn’t been hacked by that fucking Puppetmon this wouldn’t have even happened!” She cried in fury, Raguelmon stepped closer.

“EXPLAIN!” He barked, Ophanimon whirled towards him.

“FINE! You want to know what i was doing there!? I was buying cookie dough-why? Because: **I DONT MAKE MY OWN COOKIES!”**

At the revelation, Seraphimon slammed his hands to where his mouth would be while Cherubimon staggered back looking ill.

Raguelmon just tilted his head while Ophanimon, teeth grit and fists clenched continued.

“I Don't make my own cookies, I just buy the dough in pre-cut segments off the internet-I get it ordered with a load of other things on a weekly basis-the rest of the cakes i also get ordered, thats why they taste normal, but I always heat up the cookies right before i start the bake sale. That’s why they taste so gooey, soft and yummy...Oh course all it took was one Puppetmon interfering with an order in the network and replacing it with a 1000 dildos-Hell we’re digimon-we dont have sexual organs-why do we even _make_ dildos!?” She finished throwing her hands into the air.

...

“So...where are the dildos?” Seraphimon asked.

“I managed to box them up and hired a storage locker until i can destroy them privately” she bitterly spat out.

The cat digimon just looked at the two angels before speaking again.

“But-everyone knows you dont make your cook-“

“HAHA good one Raguelmon my chum!” In an instant Seraphimon had the cat in a headlock.

“This is an extreme revelation of course, but it changes nothing-“

WHAT!?” Ophanimon screeched, standing at her full height over the cat. Slamming her heeled boot into Seraphimon’s chest, she forced him to release Raguelmon who stared in shock as Ophanimon sneered down at him.

“_What did you say...”_ The Angel of mercy and compassion was anything but as she came face to face with Raguelmon who swallowed, suddenly realising he had ruined a chance to keep the peace with the strongest angels around.

“I’m just...saying everyone um-already knew, you stuff all the wrappers in the recycling bin and sometimes they blow out and er yeh no one wanted to say anything but Seraphimon is right it really doesn’t Matt-“

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

With a bellowing screech Ophanimon tossed her head bak and let out a shockwave of darkness that reached into every corner of the massive throne room.

The darkness suddenly intensified and the angel began changing form.

**“OPHANIMON DARK DIGIVOLVE INTO...”**

When the darkness died down, Ophanimon was coated in steel with no sign of her dress. Two ram heads acted as pauldrons and a massive scythe formed in her grip.

**“OPHANIMON COOKIE M-I MEAN FALLDOWN MODE**!” The fallen angel sneered cruelly.

For several seconds there was silence, everyone stared at Ophanimon, then Seraphimon and Cherubimon glared at Raguelmon.

Said cat digimon looked at the two angels confusedly.

“What?”

...

“Oh...OH AW SHIT I FORGOT-“

“YOU FORGOT-YOU HAD ONE JOB AND YOUR FUCKING USELESS PUSSY ASS BRAIN FORGOT-WE SPENT 3 WEEKS IN PARANOIA JUST SO YOU COULD FUCK UP YOUR JOB RIGHT AT THE FUCKING END!!!?”

Seraphimon’s furious bellow had the room shaking, even Ophanimon falldown stepped back as thunder boomed in the distance.

Raguelmon looked both terrified and mortified, Cherubimon had his head in his hands.

“Enough!!” Ophanimon hollered, banging the handle of her scythe against the floor.

“I will not be ignored! You betrayed me Seraphimon, Cherubimon-you were my friends, you encouraged my cooking and for what? So i could be pleased i could turn on a fucking oven and set a timer for 11 minutes?!?”

“Well To set an oven is like setting the course for life-AH!” The Rabbit cried out as his failed lecture had him narrowly avoiding a flaming scythe.

“SHUT UP! You will all pay-I promise you that!”

“Can you extract our payment through Raguelmon?”

“NO! This isn’t over!”

With that there was a flash of light and Ophanimon teleported out.

After 5 more minutes of Cherubimon restraining Seraphimon from killing the “Fucking useless piece of slang for a vagina” as he was called among other things, the cat digimon told them he knew how to set things right.

Without waiting for an answer, he teleported.

Olympus castle.

In a bright and sunny land far below the angel city, the group known as the ‘Olympus 12’ often visited the castle for meetings and sometimes a place to go to when looking after their own domains became taxing.

Venusmon rushed to look over one of the stone walls, admiring how beautiful and youthful everything looked and how much love there was around.

Clue: there was none.

Still, the goddess of love managed to see a love heart in the clouds, began shipping the two airdramon that were flying together a little while off, and admired how the ancient and crumbling stone of the castle looked young and vibrant.

Venusmon was a digimon who liked to see the good in everything.

You could take her to a house that was on fire and she would gleefully comment how it “warmed her heart” or some sappy bullshit that had nothing to do was the more important issue of a burning family inside.

Whatever the situation, Venusmon was always cheery and full bouncy energy.

The bouncy part was more due to her large breasts that were barely restrained by her silk dress and no bra.

Then there was the disaster that was her hair.

But we’re not here to talk about Venusmon’s terrible anatomy (Seriously japan wtf?) or fashion failures.

Raguelmon teleported a fair distance away from the castle, he had learnt to approach visibly or be shot down from a former visit to the royal knights castle.

Watcher of angels or not, that supreme cannon stung like a bitch.

As he flew towards the castle, he was seen by Venusmon who gleefully threw her arms up and waved wholeheartedly. Raguelmon nodded to her, before catching sight of her boobs flying everywhere-veering off course in a distracted trance and crashing straight through the castles kitchen window. Vulcanusmon-who was in the middle of trying to master the secret recipe for Ophanimon’s ‘Angel cookies’- screeched in surprise and began beating the cat with a mixing spoon at his sudden intrusion.

“OW ow ow-hey its me-Raguelmon.”

“...”

“OW -hey stop!- I have an urgent problem you sensitive little freak!” The cat snapped as the beatings resumed for no apparent reason.

The manly man that was Vulcanusmon immediately dropped his cooking equipment and ran crying to his room, pushing past Venusmon who came bouncing into the kitchen.

The mega continued to look cheery as ever as she stepped over the broken window frame and hovered over the shattered glass.

“OH Raguelmon!-your intrusion can only mean you have come looking for love!-I predicted this yesterday when i saw a piece of cake that seemed to spell your name in the language of love-“

“For fucks sake Venusmon-I screwed up and i need you and your jiggly twins of love to put love back into Ophanimon’s heart before she begins fake making cookies for the demon lords!“

Venusmon gasped, recoiling back, causing the cat to glance away as her breast continued to move far more then the slight movement should have allowed.

“The demon lords...But what if she likes them? What if it is her destiny to fall in love with Barbamon-no too cliche-LEVIAMON! SHE IS GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH LEVIAMON AND PROVE THAT A FAMILY CAN BE A FALLEN ANGEL AND A MASSIVE EVIL CROCODILE DIGIMON-“

“VENUSMON! What the fucks is going on?!” Apollomon bellowed as he stomped into the room.

“Vulcanusmon just ran into his room and began playing Linkin park-I thought you said you would stop showing him your Anthroplane smut fanart!”

“But aeroplanes need love t-“

“NO they fucking dont! Raguelmon what the fuck are you doing-Oh god don't tell me you’ve started identifying as a window-I cant deal with this shit-“

With a snarl the cat pulled himself out of the remnants of the window, dusting pieces of glass and wooden frame off of himself as he explained the situation.

“So...Ophanimon doesn’t actually make her cookies?”

“No but thats really not the problem...”

“True, store bought or not-they are nice” Apollomon interjected.

“ANYWAY-shes become a fallen angel-I failed my job to prevent that from happening and only Venusmon’s boobs will solve the problem.”

“Sounds good to me-she keeps running over to the castles wall and waving at anyone approaching-Ceresmon is required to approach from the side there is not a balcony now...” the lion trailed off-remembering the great incident of ‘How not to fly your giant earth bird’

Venusmon’s boobs were truly a force to be reckoned with.

“Welp thats good-lets get going Venusmon” Raguelmon said, grabbing the females arm before she could interject and teleporting straight to the hallway before the throne room.

As they moved further down, he gave the goddess of love specific instructions to make no sudden movements, he needed Seraphimon and cherubimon’s full attention.

Stopping just before the door, he felt something was off.

Darkness.

Gasping, he countermanded his previous order and yanked Venusmon through the doors, her boobs once again making a break for freedom.

The top of her dress must have been attached with glue.

Entering the throne room, the Watcher of angels gasped as he saw Ophanimon falldown mode had cornered the two remains angels against Seraphimon’s chair with a plate of black looking...potatoes?

The fallen angel laughed as the two cowered from the plate, lighting and thunder boomed outside, no doubt caused by Cherubimon’s terror.

“Don’t be scared! Come to THE DARK SIDE...we have cookies-see?” She held the plate of stuff that was most definitely not cookies closer to the two, who leant back further yet.

“Ophanimon-that is charcoal” Cherubimon bravely pointed out.

“What? No! These are my own cookies-THAT I BAKED! Would charcoal do this?” Ophanimon cried before snapping her fingers, the charcoal lighting on fire.

“Well-yes! Because its fucking charcoal!” Seraphimon snapped at Ophanimon who looked at the plate in confusion.

“Oh...well shit-“

“OPHANIMON!”

Whirling around the female could only stare in shock as Raguelmon hefted Venusmon above his head and hurled her at the fallen angel, the sheer amount of flying boob could have grounded planes for the next several days.

With a shriek, Ophanimon was thrown off her feet, plate of charcoal flying into the air and sending a flaming lump right into Cherubimon’s forehead.

The two women went crashing right off the raised platform and plummeting a dozen feet onto the marble floor, Venusmon groaning in pain while still lying on the fallen angel-who was desperately trying to remove the vaccines cleavage off her face in order to breath again.

Finally yanking the firm bossom off her face with one hand (trying not gag as it flopped around like a water balloon) she used her other hand to punch it, sending the goddess reeling back with a pained cry.

Standing, Ophanimon raised her Scythe, looking up at Raguelmon who was now floating above them.

“Raguelmon-so that is your special attack, throwing skinny hoes around? It would make sense with your other form...”

“My what!?” The cat digimon was taken by suprise.

Sneering the fallen angel looked back at Venusmon who continued to lay on the ground.

“And you-the badly dressed, giggle factory with a double bounce house...you’ll catch a cold like that-and what about that hair, if your on the stairs and trip on it-or another digimon trips on it...”

The rest of the angels had gathered and gasped as Ophanimons cold voice resumed to its normalmotherly tone.

“...and what about that dangling robe, another trip hazard! You have to constantly float around not to trip on it-what a waste of energy...”

A sudden glow and light flared from the fallen angel-turning her back into her normal mode.

“...and those boobs-what are you a prostitute?-come here!” With that Ophanimon marched over to Venusmon, yanked her up, and with the gentle caress of a mother-slapped the hoe lookin bitch senseless.

“THIS-IS-WHAT-YOU-GET-WHEN-YOU-DRESS-LIKE-A-WHORE-IN-THE-HOUSE-OF-GOD!” The angel hollered, adding a slap to each word.

“AMEN SISTER!” Seraphimon shouted, doing jazz hands while Cherubimon clapped excitedly.

As Ophanimon prepared her special attack (**slap da Hoe**) Raguelmon’s senses suddenly went berserk.

As Ophanimon whirled her hand around to get momentum, she didn’t notice as Venusmons right hand morphed and changed into a clawed golden one, and her lower clothing began forming into a purple dress.

As if propelled by a canon, Raguelmon shot down-just as the golden claw raised her-startling Ophanimon, who froze-

“AAAAGGH!” Before The cat digimon slammed his spiked claws through the demon lords chest, just as the blonde hair changed to black thick locks and the blindfold fell away, revealing Lilithmon look of agony as data began to float off of her.

Even on the verge of death-the demon lords look of pain morphed into a snarl and she tensed her hand once more.

**“SEFIROT SLAP”**

But Ophanimon had gathered her wits.

With the cry of sheer pimp power, the 10 glowing crystals that formed during the normal attack, gathered into The ophan digimon’s hands.

The first hand grabbed the clawed golden one with lightening speed, causing the demon to shriek further and the Nazar nail to hiss and melt from the holy power.

The other hand raised and with the power of a million pimps-slapped Lilithmon.

The sheer hoe slapping power broke the demons head to data the moment it touched, the body quickly degrading into a wave of red data that vanished before it hit the floor.

For a second there was silence then Ophanimon turned and spread her arms.

_“THE THOT HAS BEEN BANISHED_”

A choir rang out from all around, the clouds split, letting light shine through the strained glass windows, covering the throne room in the purest of rays.

A large circular windows at the top of the throne room lit up independently, a volumetric beam casting down onto Raguelmon who looked up in awe before he began to glow.

_“RAGUELMON DIGIVOLVE TO...._”

A female looking digimon, armed with a pimp coat and a snazzy looking walk formed.

**“PIMPMON-ALSO KNOWN AS RAISELMON**!”

As the light died down, Ophanimon clapped her hands.

“That is how a lady should dress-Oh Raiselmon you gender confused miracle-you have been accepted by Yggdrasill for your pimp powers and have been asked to sit alongside us and play Mercy in Overwatch-will you accept?”

Raiselmons smile faulted.

“I-I would love to-its just that, well I-I’m a filthy SYMMETRA MAIN!” He-she? Cried out.

A sudden sped up choir rang out and another beam cast down on the tombs that had once held the console-

“THREE GAMING LATOPS” Seraphimon cheered-running over and opening one.

“-WITH UNLIMITED WIRELESS CONNECTION AND NO PING EVER” he added , clutching the lapto against his chest with glee as Cherubimon quickly gathered one and opened it up.

The Cherub gasped.

“BLESS MY BIG ASS RABBIT EARS: SYMMETRA HAS BEEN BUFFED-SHE’S VIABLE IN COMP!”

A this news everyone cheered, every angel digimon joined in singing for joy as holy light illuminated the city-letting joy and happiness Flourish all across the land.

And so it was that Raguelmon became the most famous pimp in all the digital world.

In slapping terms-didn’t know shit about running a pimping business-but man could he/she slap a bitch.

The end.


End file.
